in a sense reality is something that for a good 90% of my life thus far, i have had no affiliation with whatsoever. i did what ashleigh wanted. when she wanted. i simply did what made ME feel good. with little to no thought behind my actions or how they were affecting those around me. i have torn people apart. broken them down into near nothingness with my lies, deceptions, and false emotions. i am 18 now, and i feel as if i am just now coming to an understanding of how this world works. and it isn't about drugs, parties, orgasms or even sex in general. it is about finding yourself and loving who you are. because only then can you really allow yourself to be loved by others. life is very complex and almost impossible to understand. but in order to keep yourself from going completely insane with misery, you must understand that there is only so much you yourself can control. people are always changing and situations are always being thrown at us that we might or might not know how to deal with at that particular moment. this is all part of growing up. and becoming an adult is something i've been working at since i was very young. but maturity cannot be forced. through your experience, your loss, your trials, and your heartbreaks, you will grow. you will come to understand what matters the most, even if this understanding comes too late.
one of these understandings is that nothing is permanent. even if in your heart you know you will be with someone for the remainder of your days here on earth, there is no guarantee that such a life will actually come to be. like i said, people change. and with that change comes loss and an emotional letdown that can rip you in half. love can burn you up inside and leave you feeling totally and utterly helpless. alone. broken. your life will feel like a complete waste. you will want to die. you will want to close your eyes to the tears that never seem to stop, and all the while inside you are secretly hoping they will never open again. you will feel as if the very walls that you have built up around you are crumbling. anything can get to you now. anyone can hurt you. you have been brought down to nothing, and no matter how much you struggle or fight you will feel as if nothing can save you. this is too, a part of life. losing the ones you love, the ones you thought you would have forever, is the worst pain imaginable. you will hate yourself. you will, in your mind, believe that perhaps you are going insane. perhaps life isn't worth living anymore. but the more you fight, the more you struggle, to obtain that which is dear to you, the more pain you will feel. you cannot force others to love you anymore than you can force the sun to rise at night. we, as humans, are defined by several overwhelming characteristics. our empathy. our humility. our selfishness. our ability to love and to hate, and our struggle.
when i fell in love with you i was very naive and very selfish. i can't say that all i cared about was myself, because that would be 100% false. i opened myself up, and allowed myself to love you more than i've ever loved anyone or anything before in my whole life. this is where my struggle, my understanding, began. i was faced with the concept of "needing" something, which in itself was almost enough to send me running in the other direction. i had never in my life needed anyone. i was, or so i thought, an individual. independent, care-free, and straight forward. life was as simple as i could have made it at the time, and although i had experienced my share of what at that time seemed to be deep, emotional attachment, i could live by myself, for myself, and no one was important enough to bring my obscure little reality to a complete and total close. until i met you. suddenly and without warning i was overwhelmed with feelings, emotions, and thoughts that i had never before experienced. i had at one point before this, thought i was in love. however, upon meeting you i came to realize that what i had previously felt for boys, every boy i had ever known, even when compacted together, came no where close to what i was feeling for you. this frightened me. i was scared. intimidated. i had let myself become vulnerable. i had, without realizing what i was doing, given you everything i had. i knew you could destroy me if you wanted, but i no longer cared. for what now seems like an all too short period of time, life was perfect. nothing could tear you and i apart. we were built, designed, and formed to come together, to complete each other, to bring each others lives into perspective. i had found my soul mate. i had the meaning of my life at my fingertips, stored in my memory to be recalled a thousand times during the days when we were unable to be with each other psychically. i breathed, ate, slept, and dreamed you. you were a constant source of euphoria. a high like no other i have ever experienced. no one could take you from me, and nothing was going to change that. or so i thought. but although i was experiencing love for the first time, i had not yet come to appreciate it. you were there, and you were never going to leave me. and in thinking this, i took great advantage of you and the love you so freely gave me. i lied to you. i cheated on you. i betrayed you. i let you down. hurt you. fought against you. beat you into submission with my verbal abuse, my cruelty, and my abrasive and callous nature. any other person would have abandoned ship long ago, but you stood by me, hoping that one day i would change. at times when i was literally at war with myself, you would tell me, "just CHANGE what you're doing", and i, being the foolish and naive child that i was, believed that change was impossible. i was convinced that my jealousy, my selfishness, and my cruelty was a part of my genetic makeup and could not be overcome. and so you were left to suffer while i unknowingly ran my very life into the ground.
when the time finally came for you to say you had had enough, i was blind to your final plea for my sincere devotion. i told myself that you were just another boy and that i could live without you, even though deep inside i knew that i was lying to myself. i pushed you away to spite myself, and let the very thing that held me together when all else failed slip right through my fingers. but even then i was still very unaware of just how much your loss would come to afflict me. it wasn't until i could see on my own that my life was unraveling right before my eyes that i began to understand what was happening to me. i threw myself into drugs and trite relationships that meant absolutely nothing to me. the only time i could ever feel alive was when i would see you, and the mixture of pain and pleasure i experienced when i was around you again did nothing but confuse me. i wanted you again, but i couldn't understand why. i fought my own feelings for you because i thought i was protecting myself. but with each passing day, my understanding, my struggle, became more defined. i would slowly come to terms with the simple fact that life was no longer pleasurable now that you were gone. i began to hate myself and everyone who i felt had a hand in our undoing. i envied those you were close to. i was trapped in my own miserable thoughts. every breath i took, every thought i had, was filled with you and your memory. i was now, due to my own lack of awareness, without the one person who i needed. this is without a doubt the worst pain i have ever felt. it ate a hole in me that i knew only you could fill. and this is where i am now. fighting with all my might to attain those few who were once so dear to me. but the harder i try the more hopeless i seem to feel. i just want to press rewind, and go back, repair the damage i've done, and undo the pain i've inflicted. one of the hardest aspects of all this is simply not knowing. not knowing how you feel, what you're thinking, or what the future holds for us. i would like to believe that we will live happily ever after, always having one another to fall back on and put our trust into. but uncertainty lingers in all that i do. when i look at you i would love to think that you are feeling the same things that i am at that moment, but part of me knows that this might not be a reality. all i can do now is hope that what was meant to be will be, and that you and i can find each other again and for once, bring out the best in each other as opposed to tearing each other apart. i want to wake up to you in the morning, and fall asleep with you curled up beside me at night. i want to be as important to you as you have finally become to me. but more than anything i want you to know that i love you and that i am here for you and that i want you to be happy. i would spend the rest of my days alone and utterly miserable if it meant you could have everything you want and live a life that exceeds even your own expectations. and i know now that this is exactly what love is supposed to be like. the willingness to sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of another. this is what i feel for you, and what i hope you can one day feel again for me. i cannot promise you perfection, but i can promise you my best, which is much more than i was willing to give you in the past. love is not pointless, caleb. yes it is painful and yes it is humbling, but it will never be pointless. loving you is my greatest accomplishment,